Heavy Heart

Today I have one of the heaviest hearts I have had in such a very long time. Yesterday I saw my Grandma was calling on the phone and I answered it saying "Hey there Grandma how are you doing?" only the voice on the other end was not my Grandma: it was my uncle telling me my Grandma had had a major heart attack in the middle of the night and passed away. The pain stabbed through my heart like nothing I have ever wanted to experience since our precious Mason passed away. My grandma was not my grandma she was my GRANDMA, the only one of my family who believed in me, loved me, and constantly was there for me even when my own biological family thought it was their duty to judge me, cast stones at me, and continue to try and belittle me. Grandma taught me so many life lessons such as baking, being thrifty (although she was always better with finances than me), and just good old hard work. I could sit and visit with my grandma for hours on end. Even at my ripe old age I still loved to sit at the base of her recliner and just hold her hand and visit. Oh we would talk about things when she was growing up, my children, and just all sorts of crafty things. No matter what my Grandma always had her cookie jar full of my favorite kind of cookie and each morning there would be a glass of orange juice and the cookie jar just waiting for me to come and enjoy. My Grandma was safety for me, she was acceptance even when I made choices she probably did not agree with, she was love. Even though I moved thousand miles away from her in the year 2000 I always would drive out to see her in good old Nebraska. There I could just relax and spend time with Grandma over a nice glass of sun tea made out in the sun and chilled with some ice. So many things of hers represent a million memories for me. These are things that to another would just appear to be only a thing, but to me it is so much more than that. I can look at these items and hear a conversation or remember a moment in which that item was the subject. There is this one bar stool that to anyone else it is a bar stool but to me it was the thing I used to pull up to help Grandma make her homemade goodies. Or even the candy canister she always kept in the car. It used to be a peanut container but she painted over it and voila it turned into the butterscotch and peppermint candy holder. My Grandma was so close to my oldest daughter, Madelaine. I used to see Madelaine just following her Great-Grandma around the kitchen. I should have know she would turn out to be a fantastic baker just like my Grandma because at an early age Grandma had Madelaine playing with spatulas instead of toys:) Madelaine and Grandma also shared a passion for hummingbirds, butterflies, and flowers. Grandma bought Madelaine a subscription one year to a magazine called Birds and Blooms, plus she also had the subscription so each time the magazine would come Madelaine would call her Great Grandma and they would talk about it. My Grandma was the world's BEST cook and baker and she passed so many of those recipes on to my Madelaine and boy did I come out of that deal pretty good as Madelaine could bake them as good as Grandma. My Grandma just turned 93 years young 2 weeks ago and together with my children we called her up like we do every year and we all sang (actually it was pretty off key) Happy Birthday to her. I can still hear her as she laughed. Then Ethan asked "Grandma did you get cars for your birthday?"

Every year I drove to see her,EVERY YEAR except this year:(( Oh how my heart hurts right now. I simply could not get up there this year. Not because I was busy but because of the girls having their surgeries and the frailty of Carrington needing to be close to her doctors. I did not get to give her a kiss and a hug nor sit at the base of her recliner. And most importantly she did not get to meet her newest great granddaughters. My girls will not ever have a picture with their Great Grandma. All because I could not get up there this year. I was never too busy to go see her but this year my attention had to be at home. I don't get to hear her voice every weekend when I would call to see if she was staying out of trouble there in Hemingford. What will I do when Thanksgiving rolls around and it is time for me to call and pretend I need her expert advice on how to cook some Thanksgiving related dish just so I could pretend it was made by her? Grandma is the least modern Grandma I know but she did (for the first time in her life) go to her friend's house and get on the computer to look at my blog. I had only mentioned one particular post but a few days later she called me and told me she had read the blog from the beginning of Carrington's journey right up to that moment. You see she loved my children but in her day they just did not grow up with children with special needs so she really was not aware of all the joy I have as a mom nor how my children could grow up to become productive members of society. But this day, I will remember forever, she told me "I read your blog and now I understand. " I have never claimed I am the best mom but my Grandma always told me how proud she was of me and how I take care of my children. I had plans of taking the girls up to meet her so they too could have the famous pictures I have always taken of my children with her on her davenport (as she called the sofa) but now I have nothing to put in Carrington's album.

Grandma was loved by all of my friends. At some point in time she has met them and got to know them. I always was talking about my Grandma and my friends who never even met her said they felt like they had met her in person because of how much I talked of her. I wanted her to hold Carrington and see our little miracle. I wanted Reagan to be able to tell her Great Grandma "Hi, I love you!" with her big toothless grin. But now they won't and that is why my heart is hurting. I need my Grandma. My children need their Great Grandma! I truly believe she is enjoying being reunited with my Grandpa and even meeting her Great Grandson, my sweet baby Mason but I want her here to call me. I want to share with her all the wonderful things my children are doing. The continued joys I experience as a Mommy. I know Grandma was 93 but she still had all her "faculties" (as she would say) about her. She just could not get around any more and that was hard for her. Her and I are so alike.

I love you Grandma! Thank you for always believing in me and loving me for who I am! I will miss you!